Brutally honest

At this point in my life, I struggle with a weight issue. It's obvious when you look at me. However, many people who know me now didn't know me when I was in high school or early college. Though I thought I was fat then, I look back and realize just how super skinny I was.

Here is a picture from August of 2001 - right before I started college:

It's a picture of a picture, so it's not great quality. But, it gets across just how skinny I was. When I started college, I weighed a grand total of 125 pounds. And I was so unhappy with myself.

Then college, a breakup with my fiance, graduating with no job, new boyfriend, new breakup, still no steady job, general unhappiness, etc, happened.

Flash forward to October of 2009. (It's the most recent picture I have on hand)

In less than 10 years, I had put on.... let's say a substantial amount of weight. Sadly, this picture isn't even me at my heaviest. But, it's fairly close.

'Fat me' is extraordinarily insecure. It's like I have taken all the insecurities that I had when I was thin and multiplied them, then internalized them. I put on a happy, positive front to hide my internal struggles. I present what I wish I truly was.

Hence, this blog. It's time to face the music. Ladies and gentlemen, I hate - no, loathe. Perhaps despise. Myself. But, I want to change that. I know that there are wonderful things about me. But the person that lives in my head can be so cruel. Constantly, unrelentingly cruel.

Truthfully, I am terrified about this blog and my journey. I am a perfectionist, so the idea of sharing my flaws so openly with others is frightening. But, I have to do it. This will help me be honest with myself. I don't care if absolutely no one other than me looks at this blog - I will see it. And I will learn. And heal.

Each breath, each step is a new start. Negative me will be slowly eclipsed by positive me.

So, if you choose to read this, I welcome it. And fear it. I beg you not to judge, because I guarantee I'll be doing enough judging for all of us!

To quote an amazing song (that happened to be the theme of the short-lived 'Star Trek: Enterprise') by Russell Watson:

"It's been a long road getting from there to here. It's been a long time, but my time is finally near."